i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
