some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
