when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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