Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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