im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize