Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
