I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
