You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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