I wish I could teleport
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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