The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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