You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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