You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
