Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize