the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
