bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
