feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize