Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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