two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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