I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
