I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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