I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Even my vagina gasped.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
