look no pants
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
