Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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