ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
