Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
kristin has been a bad kristin
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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