Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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