imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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