ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
