I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
