also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
