I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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