that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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