I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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