Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
