I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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