I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
