Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
