It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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