last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I want a musical about memes.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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