Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
