Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
