found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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