does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
