I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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