i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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