I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
