This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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