Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
