There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
