i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
