I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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