Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How does one acquire holy water?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
