No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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