awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
this hospital has no fireball
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
