I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
